


Fear

by Xenafox



Category: Frozen (Disney Movies)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-08
Updated: 2020-04-08
Packaged: 2021-03-01 17:20:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23550697
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xenafox/pseuds/Xenafox
Summary: A much needed apology for a very poor goodbye Anna has struggled with. She has not gotten past being pushed away in the boat made of ice.
Comments: 1
Kudos: 19





	Fear

"I never got to say bye to you."

The words hung alone in the air, cutting through the quiet and ushering a feeling of disharmony into the room. All peace that had existed there moments before crept away. Anna narrowed her eyes at the large painting before her of her sister, just Elsa alone. The piece was made shortly after Elsa had begun her short reign as queen, and it was so beautiful it always seemed to take Anna's breath away.

"You never let me tell you goodbye," she said, rephrasing her statement from before. "You pushed me away, giving me no direction, and then you were gone from sight. I couldn't see you, didn't know if I'd ever find you, until Olaf was gone. Then I knew I wouldn't find you," she continued, her words almost a whisper. 

A tear ran down her cheek, followed shortly by another and she swallowed thickly. "I had nothing. I was in that dark cave, my friend just flurried away and you know what was left? A carrot. A carrot, some sticks, and some coal. All that I followed was reduced to a carrot, sticks and coal. Even his snow was carried away. All I had left of you was gone and I never got to say anything about it." The pain in her voice was like a dull knife, cutting painfully slow. "I got up anyway and I kept going. I had to. I didn't know if I could but I had to. I didn't want to. My stomach hurt, my eyes hurt, my head hurt, and-and shatter a frozen heart into a thousand pieces. That's maybe a fraction of what I felt, and the only one who could ever put it together again was you."

Tears began to flow and Anna covered her mouth as a sob threatened to erupt. "I still think about it. I have nightmares and Kristoff has to wake me to remind me you're not gone. I don't have the nightmares with you beside me because - because of course I don't!" she dropped her hand, voice raised. "I know each time we part and we say goodbye, that means you're not gone. I know I'll see you. But what if some night, I wake and Olaf's not there but the sticks are. What if I wake up to see the roof dripping from a thaw. What do I do? All because-"

"Because I didn't let you say goodbye."

Anna whirled around on her feet, her green dressed nearly tripping her up. "Elsa!?"

Elsa stood down the hall from her sister, wearing the white dress Anna loved her in. She called her a 'fairy' in it and loved to touch it and run the strange otherworldly fabric through her fingers. She'd come unannounced after receiving a troubling note from her sister's fiance. A journey she would usually enjoy and take her time on had become a rushed one of anxiety. Her arms were folded as she took in the troubling sight of her sister talking to her portrait and airing out raw emotion she hadn't displayed to her yet. "I'm here," she said, her head tilted slightly as she continued to study her.

Anna looked from Elsa to the picture, then back to Elsa. "Um...did you hear me?" she asked, almost sounding panicked. 

"Mmhmm." Elsa's shoulders relaxed and she opened her arms. "Come here, Anna."

Never able to resist her sister's open arms, Anna rushed toward her. When she was close she did trip over her dress, only to be caught by Elsa. She pulled Anna in close and wrapped her arms around her tightly. "Why haven't you said any of this to me?"

Anna was crying. The tears subsided temporarily due to surprise but when in the familiar and warm embrace, she couldn't hold back. Her sobs were louder, mouth not buried in Elsa's shoulder as her face was turned against it. Her shoulders shook and Elsa just squeezed her. With her arms tight around her, all she wanted to do was convey she would never let her go as her own heart sank in Anna's sadness. She never wanted to hurt her. More than anything she had never intended to send her home with any part of her feeling broken and incomplete even if it was inevitable to some point. Being apart always left her with a noticeable emptiness she was sure Anna suffered as well. 

Since Anna had yet to respond, Elsa loosened the grip of one arm so that she could stroke her fingers through Anna's hair. It was messy as though she has started to fall asleep but got up before it went into its full bedhead frenzy. "Sssshhh," she whispered. "I'm here, I'm here."

Anna shifted her weight against her but didn't let go. "I don't want you to let me go," Anna sobbed finally.

"I'm not. I've never let you go, Anna. I- I know I've pushed you away thinking it would protect you and save you, but I've never ever let you go. Sssshh." Elsa's own eyes held tears in them but she didn't allow them to pour while Anna was breaking. 

"There was nothing when I thought you were gone. Nothing. It hurt so bad Elsa, I'm so scared of feeling it again. I've never been so scared of anything in my whole life," she said, finally turning to bury her face in her neck.

"Why have you never told me?" Elsa asked her again.

Anna sniffed and it tickled. "When I see you I'm so happy. I don't think about it, or maybe I don't let myself think about it. I can't because you're here and I'm so, so happy."

Elsa slowed the stroking of her hair, but only for a moment. "But you deserve to be happy when you can't see me, too."

"I-I am. I miss you, but I'm okay. Sometimes though it's dark and I visit that memory and I can't stand it. Sometimes I visit it when I don't mean to, when I dream even though I have Kristoff right there. I even have Olaf but when I'm afraid, I'm terrified I'll open my eyes and see him flurrying away again. Sometimes I just see those flakes and Elsa, I don't just lose him. I lose you." She was rambling. Rambling and crying.

As a result Elsa drew back and lifted Anna's chin with one delicate finger, taking in her red eyes, wet cheeks and runny nose. "You'll always have me, Anna. I'm so sorry I pushed you away like that, and even...even sorrier for what you've endured because of that," she told her, her stomach a hollow pit. 

"It's...I don't want you to feel bad, I don't want-"

"No." Elsa said the word so firmly and suddenly that again Anna's crying was interupted and she stared at her in shock.

"Don't you try to absolve me of this guilt, Anna. You always try to take on my pain and the burden of my mistakes to make me feel better, but I don't want that. I didn't make a good choice." Elsa wiped a tear away from one of Anna's eyes. "I hurt you, and I am deeply sorry." She was, in a way words couldn't describe. In a way Elsa found herself wondering if the extreme emotion she felt, from love to pain and sadness, was deepened with what she had become. Realistically, she knew love and all that came with it was still human. She was not so far removed and would never allow herself to be - especially with Anna grounding her.

"I forgive you, though. I do, Elsa! I do. I'm not...the fear hurts, and I sounded bad when you heard me I know I did." She sniffed and cleared her throat. "I'm not mad at you. I got you back."

"You must be a little mad," Elsa told her, and she tilted her head forward to touch her forehead to Anna's. "It's okay to be mad, Anna."

"I don't like it."

Elsa smiled gently. "No one does." 

Anna still had tears flowing, but she blinked slowly, and then a little smile came to her face as well, immediately brightening Elsa's world. "You're right. No-no one does. I really hate being mad at you, so I try not to be."

"Don't limit yourself for my sake Anna." Elsa's smile grew. "I want you to feel how you need to feel. I love you more than anyone in this world and any beyond it." She kissed Anna's forehead, her lips lingering just a second before drawing away. Anna beamed up at her, face still marked from crying but not masked with distress. "Don't ever forget that."

"I won't. I- didn't I used to help you with this stuff?" Anna asked, and it was true. She had helped greatly in breaking Elsa free of the shell she hid in anxiously for so long, and allowing her to feel as she needed, letting her air it out and handle her views on her self worth. 

Elsa knew that she still would never see herself the way Anna saw her. That was something not even a thousand journeys to Ahtohallan could accomplish, and she accepted it. Elsa would never say it but she knew Anna could also never quite hold the view of herself that Elsa had. Anna's soul was a presence Elsa could only hope to equal someday and she treasured that. "You did," she finally answered. "You taught me how to do it for you."

Anna nodded, joy clear in her face. She was quiet for a few seconds, before she sighed. "My eyes hurt. And I had to try really hard not to wipe my nose on my dress."

She couldn't help it - Elsa laughed a little and gently cupped Anna's face in her hands. "You're beautiful, you know, but I think the sheen from the snot takes away from your natural look."

"Ew, Elsa!" Anna pulled out of her grip and leaned back with a laugh. "That's gross!"

Elsa lowered both arms only to take Anna's hand in hers. "Let's go wash your face up then. Find your nicest soap and the softest towel," she said playfully. "And I'll brush your hair out, you'll feel better."

Anna nodded. "Okay! And then we better get snacks."

"Slumber party?" Elsa asked, amused as she started to tug her along. Her eyes widened as suddenly Anna jumped foward and began to tug her old sister along instead. 

"Yup," Anna giggled, her hand still in Elsa's firm grip. "Slumber party."


End file.
